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frankocean:

all posts after 2am and before 7am shall be forgiven.

carrotcatmd:

STORY:On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. I have a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure with the $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about irritating anyone for trying to break a $50 bill. Me: ‘Hi, I’d like one seven-layer burrito please, to go.’ Server: ‘That’ll be $1.04. Eat in?’ Me: ‘No, it’s to go.’ At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny. Server: ‘Uh, hang on a sec, I’ll be right back.’ He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot.The following conversation occurs between the two of them:Server: ‘Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?’ Manager: ‘No. A what?’ Server: ‘A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me…’ Manager: ‘Ask for something else. There’s no such thing as a $2 bill.’ Server: ‘Yeah, thought so.’ He comes back to me and says, ‘We don’t take these.Do you have anything else?’ Me: ‘Just this fifty. You don’t take $2 bills? Why? Server: ‘I don’t know.’ Me: ‘See here where it says legal tender?’ Server: ‘Yeah.’ Me: ‘So, why won’t you take it?’ Server: ‘Well, hang on a sec.’ He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I’m a shoplifter, and says to him, ‘He says I have to take it.’Manager: ‘Doesn’t he have anything else?’ Server: ‘Yeah, a fifty. I’ll get it and you can open the safe and get change. Manager: ‘I’m not opening the safe with him in here.’ Server: ‘What should I do?’ Manager: ‘Tell him to come back later when he has real money.’ Server: ‘I can’t tell him that! You tell him.’ Manager: ‘Just tell him.’ Server: ‘No way! This is weird. I’m going in back. The manager approaches me and says, ‘I’m sorry, but we don’t take big bills this time of night.’Me: ‘It’s only seven o’clock! Well then, here’s a two dollar bill.’ Manager: ‘We don’t take those, either.’ Me: ‘Why not?’ Manager: ‘I think you know why.’ Me: ‘No really, tell me why.’ Manager ‘Please leave before I call mall security.’ Me: ‘Excuse me?’ Manager: ‘Please leave before I call mall security.’ Me: ‘What on earth for?’ Manager: ‘Please, sir..’ Me: ‘Uh, go ahead, call them.’ Manager: ‘Would you please just leave?’ Me: ‘No.’ Manager: ‘Fine — have it your way then.’ Me: ‘Hey, that’s Burger King, isn’t it?’ At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect.A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in. Guard: ‘Yeah, Mike, what’s up?’ Manager (whispering): ‘This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money.’ Guard: ‘No kidding! What?’ Manager: ‘Get this. A two dollar bill.’ Guard (incredulous): ‘Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?’ Manager: ‘I don’t know. He’s kinda weird. He says the only other thing he has is a fifty.’ Guard: ‘Oh, so the fifty’s fake!’ Manager: ‘No, the two dollar bill is.’ Guard: ‘Why would he fake a two dollar bill?’ Manager : ‘I don’t know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?’ Guard: ‘Yeah.’Security Guard walks over to me and……Guard: ‘Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you’re trying to use.’ Me: ‘Uh, no.’ Guard: ‘Lemme see ‘em.’ Me: ‘Why?’ Guard: ‘Do you want me to get the cops in here?’ At this point I’m ready to say, ‘Sure, please!’ but I want to eat, so I say, ‘I’m just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill. I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I’m taking a swing at him. He takes the bill turns it over a few times in his hands, and he says, Guard: ‘Hey, Mike, what’s wrong with this bill?’ Manager: ‘It’s fake.’ Guard: ‘It doesn’t look fake to me.’ Manager: ‘But it’s a two dollar bill.’ Guard: ‘Yeah? ‘ Manager: ‘Well, there’s no such thing, is there?’ The security guard and I both look at him like he’s an idiot and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue and is an idiot. So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too.Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. 
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lotolle:

purplesmauge:

clarityandchaos:

earloffabulousness:

everybody stop what you’re doing, its a cat cleaning a baby

"Stupid furless humans can’t take care of their kitten, I have to do everything myself."

My favourite thing is baby sitting up thinking “What the fuck is that?”  Then seeing the cat, thinks “Very well, continue.”

Stupid furless humans.

meladoodle:

australiansanta:

australiansanta:

what type of rock is a really good friend

an opal

rocks will be your only friends if you ever use this joke

(Source: australiansanta)

textpostsandcats:

being a pizza delivery driver is great because literally no one is disappointed to see you

baesitter:

what do you mean setting myself on fire isn’t an acceptable way to burn calories

cat: places paw tentatively on boob
me: please–
cat: presses paw down on boob
me: don’t–
cat: slowly, agonizingly walks across boobs

(Source: majesdanes)

I fell in love with the way you SEE the grand canyon, simultaneously and at the same time.
- The Fault in our PSATs (via abyssofapathy)
  • Me: I'm sorry
  • Teacher: why?
  • Me: I can't come to class today.
  • Teacher: .... don't
  • Me: because I have a piano recital
  • Teacher: stop.
  • Me: it's scheduled simultaneously at the same time
  • Teacher: dang it. *sits at desk and writes poem* Crimson leaves. Falling.
  • Me: what pen did you use to write that?
  • Teacher: ask about the content of my poem
  • Me: how old are you
  • Teacher: I just want you to see my poem the way that Garcia Lopez De Cardenas saw the grand Canyon
  • Me: I can't I'm from Boston
  • Teacher: I am lucky
  • American Education System: Cursive isn't important we can just stop teaching that.
  • American Education System: *requires cursive on the PSAT test*
thatfunnyblog:

imagine being asked to be in this product’s photo shoot and excitedly bragging to your friends and family you are are going to be on a box just to find out they made you look like this
hotrnom:

Lisa lays down the law

intpmusings:

Sometimes I wonder whether I have any real intelligence or if I just have enough random bits of surface knowledge to bullshit my way through most things.

sloth-grunge:

becoming self aware of your breathing and blinking is the worst thing